Actually Never

I’ve previously written about Uncrustables and Goober Grape but this seems like it might be the most American food of them all. USA USA USA

What I knew

I mean, it’s cheese from a spray can. I don’t know that I needed to know much else.

I always assumed that it was kind of a joke thing and nobody ever actually ate it, but it’s now been around for decades. Somebody must actually enjoy this.

I’d have guessed that Easy Cheese was an 80s product. It just feels so much like one. And 1984 is when the name Easy Cheese was adopted, but the product was first launched (under the name Snack Mate) in 1965.

What I know

I started with the classic application – on a cracker. My crackers of choice are FlipSides, which I like because:

• They’re cracker on one side and pretzel on the other
• In French, they’re called Recto-Versos and that’s fun

This… was fine. Not nearly as good as just having a piece of cheese with a cracker, but slightly better than Cheez Whiz. Fluffier texture and not quite as sweet or salty. There are two flavours of Easy Cheese, Cheddar and American. I went for Cheddar; presumably, American would be closer to the Whiz.

But if you know me, you probably guessed I had something else in mind. Something more.

Hell yeah baybee, this is an all-timer burying the lede. From Weird Al’s 1989 classic UHF, we have the Twinkie Wiener Sandwich.

I get that it’s not an original idea. Babish has done it.

And Sandwich Dad has done it.

But I still had to do it. Always been a Weird Al fan. Always loved UHF. Always wanted a reason to do this.

The first question was what kind of wieners to use. Weird Al is famously vegetarian and the weiner in the movie was never identified but was a veggie dog. I haven’t had a veggie dog in a long time but I didn’t like them at all. It’s been decades and I’m sure the technology has advanced since then, but this was not the time to find out. I went with my usual Maple Leaf Top Dogs.

Then I had to find Twinkies. My usual grocery store didn’t carry them, so I stopped at the 7-Eleven on the way home and they were out too. Weird. Finally I went to another grocery store and found a box of 6.

This led to the next issue. Twinkies are a lot smaller than I remember.

That’s about the length of my middle finger. Were they always so small? Are the boxed ones smaller? Is this shrinkflation in action? I posed this question on a Discord server I’m on and got an immediate answer that yes, they have shrunk. Look at that, Fox News bringing the facts as always.

The small Twinkie situation was made worse because I always buy the bigger wieners. What can I say? I have size requirements for my meat.

I then had to decide if and how to heat the wiener. In the movie, it’s not clear if it’s being served straight from the package. There’s no visible signs of cooking. Ultimately, though, I decided to heat mine. I’ve had cold wieners straight from the package and they’re edible but less than ideal. I wanted to give this a fair shot. The grill would have been best but it was dark out when I started this so I just heated a few wieners in a pan.

Two hot dog buns and a Twinkie. This really goes to show just how undersized the Twinkie is.

The actual preparation is simple. Slice Twinkie, add hot dog, top with Easy Cheese.

From this angle, the wiener doesn’t look quite as oversized as I was expecting. The real issue wasn’t length but depth and girth – the Twinkie had to be cut nearly all the way through in order to give the wiener any kind of space. The finished product certainly wasn’t as pretty as the one in the movie.

My first bite was exclusively wiener and cheese. Once I got a bite of everything, I have to say – it was pretty decent. I don’t usually put cheese on a hot dog but it works well enough, and the Twinkie just added some sweetness.

I’d forgotten this, but in UHF, Weird Al dunks the Twinkie Wiener Sandwich into a glass of milk before eating. And you know we’re all about authenticity here.

This is where it all fell apart. Literally. The combo of small Twinkie and big wiener led to a lack of structural integrity, so when it hit the milk, it just collapsed. I scooped a soggy chunk of Twinkie into my mouth, popped in the rest of the sandwich, and called it close enough, having finally lived out my childhood dream.

I also had a couple hot dogs with just mustard and onion and those were way better. Obviously.