Actually Never

At this point it’s safe to say that my creation of this blog has not had the desired effect of inspiring me to go out of my way and do more new-to-me things.

Not that there’s been nothing. Early on in the summer, Mika and I stayed in a resort outside of Tofino, BC, for a few days. I’d never done that before. Never been there. But I didn’t think it really fell into Actually Never™ territory and also all I’d have written about were the breakfast wraps. Breakfast wraps are not a new-to-me concept either but they were REALLY good breakfast wraps, guys.

In August, I went to Toronto and spent a few days visiting with my longtime friends Steve and Jason. I’ve gone to see Steve quite a few times now but this was our first time meeting Jason in person, since he lives in Japan now but was in Toronto for work. It took 26 years of friendship for us to get together. But what am I supposed to do, review my friends? Honestly yes, I should have done that, it would have been very funny, and he’d have gotten a big ol’ thumbs-up from me. But what about the next internet friend I meet? What if I don’t review them? What would that say about them?

I also went back to Toronto with Mika a few weeks later for a concert. That’ll be the next post here and I may even dust off the Stupid Little Concert Review™ format for it. Also, I love that I can just say something like that and you know what I mean because you are one of my three (3) readers.

I should have written the concert review first since it was longer ago but I figured this would be short and I needed to get back on the proverbial horse.

Before I talk about an atrocious movie, I’ll mention that I just got a new videogame machine that plays ROMs so if there’s anything you think I might have Actually Never™ played from the Game Boy Advance era on handheld or 16-bit era on console (or before) that I should check out, let me know.

Anyway. Troll 2.

What I knew

It fucken sucks!

Many years ago I got into the Leprechaun franchise of terrible movies – for that matter, there are a few I still have Actually Never™ seen – but my internet friend Mike (review forthcoming) (if I ever meet him) (which I probably won’t) (no, Aaron, this is not the Mike you know) told me that I should be watching Troll 2 instead.

Ever since then, I knew of Troll 2 as a legendarily bad movie, but it wasn’t until the podcast How Did This Get Made? decided to feature it that I finally watched it to enhance my listening experience. Give the assist to Jeff for telling me that it was on Amazon Prime.

I’ve known Jeff for too long to review him now but I will say that he regularly tells me to fuck off and it’s always deserved and it makes me happier than most other things.

Anyway. Troll 2.

What I know

It fucken sucks!

It’s as bad as you’ve heard. It’s right up there with The Room. It would be a blast with the right crowd but I watched it by myself and even that was a delightful experience and I don’t normally find myself delightful to spend time with.

I can’t review it. I gave it no star rating on Letterboxd. You already know if you enjoy bad movies or not. If you do, it’s a must-see. Mika does not so I waited for her to leave town to watch it as though it were a cinematic McCain cake.

I’d critique specific things, but you could pick literally any part of the movie, any scene, any actor. Really, the fact that it not only has no ties to the first Troll movie, but also does not feature or even talk about any trolls, says it all.