Actually Never

I haven’t been writing lately. I suspect nobody noticed my absence; rather, if you’re one of my four readers, you’ve just been surprised to learn that this blog still exists.

I have some ideas for posts here – and I swear I’ll finish those concert reviews – so I’m hopping back on the horse with an easy one. Dusting off the cobwebs. Getting the juices flowing. Other cliches.

What I knew

It’s KFC-themed jellybeans.

Or rather, it’s Colonel Sanders-themed jellybeans. The complete lack of mention of KFC is notable. I don’t understand it. I mean, I get KFC wanting to distance themselves from this mess, but KFC and the Colonel are one and the same.

I also knew that even by usual gimmick joke food standards, these were said to be revolting. There were free samples available at the American import store where I got these. I didn’t try the samples. This all could have been avoided if I’d tried the samples. But no, I just bought a bag with the intent of sharing.

What I know

I did not share these.

The first issue developed when I got them home and saw they were made with ingredients that may contain gluten. My plan of making Mika eat gross jellybeans was thwarted.

This left things up to me. There are three flavours: fried chicken, sweet corn, and gravy. I opened the pack and took out two beans of each varietal.

Things went downhill as soon as that bag opened. These had a smell. Mika could smell the smell and she was sitting across the room from me. Jellybeans aren’t supposed to do that. In retrospect I think it was some kind of warning system, like when bugs evolve to be red to suggest they’re poisonous.

I dug in.

Sweet corn: I like corn but I don’t usually like corn-flavoured things. That said, while I’d never go back for more, this wasn’t as vile as I expected. A D+ when you’re expecting an F is a win, I guess. The sweet corn jellybean would prove to be the best of the three by a wide margin. Still not recommended, obviously.

Fried chicken: This really did have a vaguely KFC-adjacent taste. Like leftover KFC that’s sat in the fridge for a day too long maybe. Chicken that hasn’t gone bad, but its best-before has come and gone. This was not good.

Gravy: One of the worst things I’ve ever tasted. Aggressively savoury in a way I can’t describe. Wild when actual KFC gravy is the blandest food imaginable. I spit it out.

And then. Of course I had to.

All three at once: The gravy overpowered the other two as well as my will to live. I spit out the combo. My soul went with it.

My adventures were not over. Try as I might, I couldn’t get the taste out of my mouth. Like with hot sauce, water only made it stronger. Unlike with hot sauce, dairy (in this case mango passionfruit yogurt) failed as well. I had a Zero Sugar Orange Fanta. It did nothing to mask the flavour. I folded up the bag and placed it into a Ziploc bag. Sealing it did not entirely mask the smell.

Defeated, I went to bed – and could still taste the jellybeans the next morning. Eventually the beans went into the garbage. I couldn’t bring myself to make anyone else try them. And I didn’t want to risk revisiting that stink.

These only came out this year (as far as I know). Meaning this doesn’t really count as a true Actually Never, but whatever, I make the rules here. And who knows, I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. If I do, at least my last action was putting an important warning out into the world.